i am a runner

Back in the saddle again. . .

2010-06-14T05:08:00.000-07:00

Twelve pounds.

I've gained 12 pounds in a matter of three months. Obviously, something has got to give. I work out, I'm active, I'm generally healthy, but something is clearly not working.

It, of course, is my eating habits. I eat very healthy, unprocessed foods with lots of veggies and fruits, but I often don't stop to think that one can always consume to much of a good thing. Just because tofu is healthy doesn't mean I have license to eat four servings covered in a fatty sauce. Just because my pasta is whole wheat doesn't mean I can eat two large steaming bowls covered in cheese.

I also have this really bad junk food weakness. I may not buy chips but if I am at a function where a there is a bowl I have NO restraint at all. None. That also goes for candy, cakes, donuts, you name it.

So here I am back in the saddle again.

If any of you out there need a weight loss buddy please let me know. I need a partner in this. What I don't need is a condescending pat on the head and a, "but you like fine." I need someone to support me and cheer me on. Will that be you?

update

2009-06-05T10:43:00.000-07:00

I have been terrible at keeping this blog up. Suffice it to say that I am working out, no running though.

I tried acupuncture for the first time today, and I was admittedly skeptical. But it turned out to be very relaxing and the doctor was very kind. I hope it can help with the pain, but the doctor said the only real way to heal properly is to ease up on running.

Sigh.

Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday

2009-05-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

Monday--I did and intense 50 minute aerobics
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Tuesday--4 mile walk

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Wednesday 40 minutes kickboxing

Thursday/Friday/Saturday/Sunday

2009-05-24T15:22:00.001-07:00

Thursday--40 minutes step aerobics
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Friday--5 mile run
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Saturday--30 minutes kickboxing video
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Sunday--5 mile walk with K.

No loss this week, but no gain either.

Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday

2009-05-20T15:13:00.000-07:00

Monday: I walked the dog for about 50 minutes. I desperately felt like running, but I held back.

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Tuesday: I did a light 60 minute dance video workout. Didn't feel like "enough," but it was better than nothing. At least I got moving.

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Wednesday: I ran 5 miles. My hip flexor hurt like Hades, so I took it slow. I am going to try and get to a sports doctor (thanks for the tip K. M.!) and see what can be done. I desperately DO NOT want to stop running, so I can train for the 1/2 marathon in September.

I stopped in at Weight Watchers--no gain or loss.

Saturday/Sunday

2009-05-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

I ran 6 miles yesterday (Saturday). I am missing my partner, but I am doing my best.

Unfortunately another injury has slowed me. I have strained my hip flexor, and much as it is going to kill me I think I need a few days off from high impact activity especially step aerobics and running. I am practically in tears as I right this, but what is the alternative?

I feel like I am ultimately either a) doing something terribly wrong (ie I am an idiot who cannot even run a couple miles without getting hurt) or b) I am simply built wrong. Sometimes I feel like my body is betraying me, mocking me by always being in pain of some kind. I almost feel like at this point no one will believe me when I say I've hurt myself again. It is so improbable it is laughable and pathetic.

I know the 8 extra pounds I am carrying around is part of the problem. But how do you lose the weight without running and working out extra hard? It is an annoying catch-22. I have been running or doing intense workouts for an hour or more every day for a few weeks. Taking time off will not help me reach my goal. Easier workouts may make my joints and muscle strains feel better, but it won't help me shed the pounds.

Ugh.

In any case, I took today (Sunday) off and I'll walk tomorrow instead of run. :-(

wednesday/thursday/friday

2009-05-15T10:36:00.001-07:00

Wednesday: step aerobics 1 hour

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Thursday: ran 4 miles, lost one pound

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Friday: 40 minutes step aerobics

Monday/Tuesday

2009-05-12T08:16:00.000-07:00

Monday I did an hour of moderate to intense exercise videos.

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Tuesday I ran 5 miles--felt really good! My leg feels better, but I am still wrapping it and icing it just in case.

Saturday/Sunday

2009-05-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

Saturday I tried to do a light aerobics workout, but my ankle and calf hurt so much it was impossible to do anything beyond a very light 30 minutes. I was terribly frustrated, but I made sure to spend the rest of the day icing, massaging, and resting my leg.

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Sunday my leg still ached, but I wrapped if from knee to foot and set out for a run. It hurt a bit for a while until the pain just sort of faded. I toyed with the thought that I probably am actually doing some terrible damage to myself, but by then the run was feeling too good to stop. I managed 7 miles and it felt great. I iced my leg when I got home and so far it feels ok.

Thursday/Friday

2009-05-08T04:17:00.000-07:00

Thursday: Did another awesome step aerobics workout. Felt really great in addition to hard. And I lost 2 pounds!!! Weigh in was crazy scary, but my hard work paid off--now just to keep it up...

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Friday: I ran a slow 5 miles today. My ankle, calf, and knee were really bothering me. I plan to work out tomorrow, but it will be lower impact--no step or running.

Tuesday/Wednesday

2009-05-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I did a 50 minute kick-your-ass step workout. Whoa. I forgot how challenging it can be! I am so into running these days that I often just don't do other workouts that much anymore.

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Today I ran 5 miles.

Sunday/Monday

2009-05-04T05:52:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I did a 30 minutes salsa workout (low to medium intensity) and then a high intensity cardio aerobics workout.

Today I ran 5 miles.

Saturday

2009-05-02T12:46:00.001-07:00

I ran 6 miles today in about an hour with K. It felt good, but my calf is oh so achy. Need some strength to get through my daughter's sleepover without eating junk food!!!

Yo, what a yo-yo (Friday)

2009-05-01T06:06:00.000-07:00

So I've nearly gained back all the weight I lost a year and a half ago.

*sigh*

Part of me desperately wants to throw in the towel. It would be so easy, right, to just eat what I want, work out only minimally and scratch of my Weight Watchers meetings from the weekly calendar?

But. . .

I've lost it before and I think, I hope, I've learned a lesson here. When the weight comes off I simply cannot congratulate myself with a sundae and go back to my old habits. And with a father deceased from heart disease and a step-father recovering from by-pass it is more than my pants size I worry about. My lungs, my muscles, my bones, and my soul will benefit from healthier habits and some lost fat.

So it is back to the grind stone. My old excuses of not enough time to work out (getting my ass out of bed even 30 minutes earlier would help) or not enough money to eat healthier foods (let's face it eating LESS means buying LESS) just aren't going to cut it.

So here I go again. . . I hope to start tracking my journey here once more.

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Today--10 minutes pilates warm up and stretching; 50 minutes high intensity cardio aerobics, home video

excuses, excuses

2009-01-10T09:51:00.000-08:00

I just wrote an email to K. that actually really sums up my fitness lately. I've posted it in part here:

I hate the cold and snow and when I run I feel like I am so slow that I am just not getting a decent workout. So I am now promising myself I will get out to run maybe 2 x a week at least on a friend's treadmill. Some friends have been working out at the high school in the evenings. The cost is extremely cheap, and they have tons of treadmills. But I've never really enjoyed working out at night, so I'll have to play that by ear on day to day basis.

I've been doing some workout videos and it has actually made me realize that I desperately need some cross training. My experience as an aerobics instructor has paid off in that I can make a fairly easy video much harder. I've had a couple great workouts this week, in fact. One video had me doing so many jumping jacks and jump rope moves that the last two days my calves have really hurt! But it is actually that good "I just had a great workout" sort of ache.

Everyone laughs when this California girls whines about the cold, but underneath it all I am dead serious. This weather is like torture to me in lots of ways. Now I feel like once again the ice and snow and cold is sabotaging my ability to get in a decent outdoor run. And the fall I took after Christmas was pretty scary.

Excuses. I'm full of them. . . .

a new year

2009-01-01T09:57:00.000-08:00

Well, it is January fist and I, like a million other Americans, am back on the dieting wagon. It has really been weeks since I tracked my Weight Watcher's points and noted what and when I ate. Today so far has been ok, but the challenges are bound to come.

Running has been hard with all the snow and cold, and last week I fell on the slippery snow. It was a hard fall and made realize that I need to be much more careful than I am. I am going to take my friends up on their offers to use thier treadmills and try other forms of working out (like snow shoveling!).

Happy New Year!!!

winter update

2008-12-19T05:00:00.000-08:00

Well running has sucked lately which is no surprise considering how much I dislike the cold and snow. I am getting out there but only about twice a week and I am going only about 4 miles at a pop. Ugh. I need to get on a treadmill, but I hate asking friends to let me come over to use theirs since I don't have one. But if running is important to me than I'll just have to suck it up.

I promised my husband that I would do some shoveling today to get some exercise. The thought makes me shudder. Wish me luck!

2008-12-10T19:32:00.000-08:00

running in your dreams....

done being angry

2008-11-03T05:23:00.000-08:00

That last post? The really bitchy one? Well, I almost deleted it, but erasing those bitter, foolish, self pitying words won't make them go away, really. Instead I will acknowledge that I was mad and cranky and shouldn't have written them in case they hurt someone whom I care about.

What I will do, today, is take responsibility for my own actions. My weight is my own and my own fault.

Today I will take control.

done

2008-10-30T17:36:00.000-07:00

bleh

2008-10-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

i'm not running because of my knee which i injured the day of the race by bashing it into a metal guard rail.

why yes, i AM a dork.

that's all.

sigh.

someone pass the bon bons.

i am miserably sad about not being able to run.

oh, and i'm getting really fat.

after the race

2008-09-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

Well, it was a hot one. As in so hot you wanted to lay down and die hot. As in serious humidity and soaring temps hot. As in they closed the marathon course at mile 22 hot.

My final time for the half marathon (13.1 miles) was 2 hours and 23 minutes and 56 seconds. My goal was to finish in about 2:15, but the heat was a killer. K. and I had to walk a lot toward the end, but many, many people had to walk, too.

I had pretty bad heat exhaustion afterwords and couldn't really eat and had terrible stomach cramps for hours. But I recouped enough to eat a large Italian dinner with K. and our families later that evening.

It was a hard day, but it was a good one. K. and I crossed the finish together just like we wanted to. And my kids and husband were there watching and cheering me on.

why

2008-09-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

I will run 13.1 miles on Sunday because so many people can't. I have dear friends whose bodies have betrayed them with disease. Mine is sound and strong and I can put one foot in front of the other. I will remember their struggles and the courage it takes to face down illness and I will remember them with every step I take.

I will run 13.1 miles on Sunday because today I am seven years cancer free. Every step will celebrate my health and my very existence.

I will run 13.1 miles on Sunday because proceeds from the race will fund much needed research for arthritis.

I will run 13.1 miles on Sunday because even though I struggle with faith, running feels like prayer.

I will run 13.1 miles on Sunday because 5 years ago this month I lost a much loved and wanted baby. Even though I should feel a little better with each passing year, I find that fall brings back the memories and pain. Each step will be step away from that pain and a step closer the the healing I never achieved.

I will run 13.1 miles on Sunday because I want to see the shining, bright faces of my children as I cross the finish line. I want to scoop up those little guys and promise them that mama will always take of her body so that she can take care of theirs.

I will run 13.1 miles on Sunday because I need to.

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9/7 7 miles with K.
9/9 4 miles
9/11 3 miles.

cranky

2008-09-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

Ok--so I ran 13 miles with K. over the weekend and 6 on Tuesday. But then my runner's toe sort of got outta hand and I ended up at a podiatrist (read: mid-evil torturer) who ripped the nail on my second toe on my left foot clean out.

Ouch.

I haven't run since Tuesday and it is making me cranky as hell. Well, that and the pms.

Oh, and the 7 freakin' pounds I gained over the course of the summer. I have a million excuses why this SHOULDN'T have happened (mega running & following my weight watchers program diligently) yet it still DID happened.

And I can't blame anyone for that but me.

I go back and forth between renewed devotion to my weight loss program and throwing my hands up and stuffing my face in a large pie. Covered with chocolate. And pure sugar.

My body doesn't feel like my own anymore. Did I tell you that I now get an allergic reaction whenever I drink alcohol? It would be funny if it weren't so scary. Like numb lips and swollen face after a few sips scary. I might have a mold allergy.

Can mold allergies make you gain weight? No? Well, I tried.

I go to the doctor in October to cry to her about my inability to drink and my fear that whatever is in those drinks might show up in a food and, you know, kill me.

Poor 'ole me. Wah wah. I have a boo boo on my toe and I am gaining weight and I can't have a glass of wine and my period is coming. Boo hoo. My life is so so so so so so hard.

I need a good kick in the pants. Please, someone tell me to get over my damn self.

for you

2008-08-30T16:20:00.000-07:00

To K. .. . my running partner and dear friend.

Three years ago you called,

"Let's run."

So we did, never looking back.

Blistering heat, snow, ice, rain, lightening

nothing holds us back.

It never will hold us back.

Everyday you inspire me to do more for my body, myself.

Our friendship nourishes my soul.

________________________

a training update is below.

mixed bag

2008-08-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

8/28 I ran 5 miles today in about 49 minutes and included some intervals. But the signal for my GPS was weak and would fade in and out. I was also booking it hard and the pace it displayed never really made sense based on what I know I am capable of. Anyway, the gist is that it was a good run, and despite the displayed time I think it was fast (for me anyway).

__________________________________________

I found out at my Weight Watchers meeting that I gained 3 pounds over the course of the last 3 weeks. I knew I wasn't being that good with my points, but I also wasn't being that bad either. The 3 pounds made no sense especially considering that I ran 27 miles this last week.

I had walked in there feeling great about running so hard this week, and I was happy (for once) with what I saw in the mirror. But the reality was that I really screwed up somewhere. My leader said I actually need to eat the extra points I earn through activity, but I have never done that before. It actually doesn't seem logical at all. I mean, if you burn more calories than you take in you should lose weight not gain. Right? Logic tells me that I should have lost weight these last few weeks, not packed on 3 freakin' pounds! Yet, she insisted that I try it and assured me that she thinks I'll loose this time. Not sure I buy it, but I'll try it.

Any thoughts?

running hard

2008-08-27T08:26:00.000-07:00

8/22 I ran 6 miles in one hour.

8/24 K. and I ran 13 miles over the weekend in about 2 hours 15 minutes. Good for us!

8/26 I ran 3 miles in about 27 minutes. Ok, so that time isn't great, but I felt like I was running really hard. It was also an afternoon run, so it was a little warmer than my usual 7am runs.

2 more runs

2008-08-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

8/18 4.72 miles 47 minutes 39 seconds

8/20 3 miles--don't know time or pace.

updates

2008-08-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

8/9 3.91 miles 37 minute 31 seconds

8/10 5.62 miles--I did this run with K. while we were camping and although it wasn't far it was HARD as hell!! We hiked a gorge trail to the top of a waterfall and the hills were killer. It felt more like a 10 miler, for sure.

8/13 4.30 miles (with intervals) 44 minutes 24 seconds

8/15 4.72 miles 48.31 seconds

8/1610.05 miles 1 hour 45 minutes 9 seconds

So it wasn't a stellar week but it wasn't too bad either.

today's run

2008-08-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

My GPS batteries are recharging so I can't check my exact time, but I ran about 5 miles in about 50 minutes today. The run felt great, and the puppy had great stamina the whole way. In the fall I'd love to get her up to a 7 mile run.

On a couple of my recent runs I tried some energy snacks right before and midway through. Not sure if it was just the placebo effect or not, but I felt pretty energized. So far I have tried shot blocks and sportbeans. I like the sportsbeans better as they are smaller and easier to carry, have some extra vitamins, and taste like, well, jelly beans! The shot blocks taste ok, but are larger which makes them harder to carry.

I'm going to try some hammer gel in the next week or so, too.

more runs

2008-08-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

8/01 5.03 miles 51minutes 35 seconds
8/03 5.99 miles 58 minutes 11 seconds
8/05 about 3 miles in 30 minutes

3 runs

2008-07-29T12:38:00.000-07:00

7/26 10 miles with K. in 1 hour 52 minutes.
7/28 5.66 miles in 58 minutes
7/29 3.32 miles in 33 minutes

easy-ish run

2008-07-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

7/22 5.7 miles in 55 minutes.

3 MORE runs

2008-07-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

I know that I have been incredibly lazy logging my runs lately. And I have also be really bad about reading your blogs, too. But summer is crazy and I am having a terrible, terrible time keeping up with anything.

In any case, here is the (lame) breakdown of my running this last week...

7/3 3 miles. I pulled my left calf muscle so this run was very painful.

7/18 3.74 miles This was an easy run, so I won't tell you how painfully slow I was. And speaking of pain, my damn calf hurt again towards the end.

7/20 8.8 miles in 1 hour 37 minutes. OK, so this was a little on the slow side, but I am proud that K. and I went the distance despite thunder, pouring rain, and my achy calf.

What it all comes down to is this: I may not be able to do this September 1/2 marathon very well, but I will do it.

No matter what. I just have to try and keep my chin up about it.

3 more runs

2008-07-13T07:53:00.000-07:00

6/12 55 minutes 27 seconds 5.58 miles--I intended for this to be a nice long run, maybe seven miles, but time wasn't on my side yesterday.

6/10 3.01 miles 27 minutes 51 seconds--This was supposed to be a tempo run, but there was lead in my legs and my chest felt heavy. I'm pretty disappointed in my time for this one.

6/8 4 miles 40 minutes 59 seconds--I did some intervals ran the recovery periods very slowly. Overall a decent run.

I fear I am simply not training enough for the 1/2 marathon.

3 decent runs

2008-07-06T19:38:00.001-07:00

Well I am a bit behind on logging my runs so I'll give a quick break down:

6/28 I did about a 4.5 mile run while camping at Keuka lake. It felt amazing although the hills were super tough.

7/4 Yeah, it took me almost a week to get running again, but I had an infected bug bite on my foot and couldn't get my shoe on for days. Anyway, I have no idea how far I ran, maybe 5 miles? My gps batteries are charging so I can't look it up right now, but that sounds about right.

7/6 I ran 7 miles today all by my lonesome! I missed running with K., who was out of town, but I thought about her and managed the distance alone this time.

Hopefully I'll get back on track this week with training runs.

tempo run 6/26

2008-06-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

So I got my ass up and out the door at 7 for a tempo run. I'm too lazy right now to look it up on my gps, but I ran about 3 miles in 28 minutes. Not very fast, but not terrible either.

I am getting terribly nervous about my 1/2 marathon in September. K. is going to kick butt and I am probably going to crawl over the finish line in the last hours of the whole damn race.

I was talking to a friend who is doing an iron man triathalon in 2 weeks. It sounds HARD. My measly 13 miles seems like nothing compared to his goal.

easy run 6/25

2008-06-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I had planned on doing a 3 mile tempo run today, but as soon as I got outside in the sun I wilted. It was only about 83 with low humidity and a nice breeze, but I felt SO hot and miserable. My feet were filled with lead and I could barely move.

So instead of a fast 3 miles I did a lame 5 miles. I won't tell you how long it took me, because it was THAT slow.

Hmmm, could it be the 10 twizzlers and the cheese and crackers I ate a few hours before that slowed me down?

I swear I am such a dumb ass sometimes.

interval run 6/23

2008-06-25T16:56:00.000-07:00

I ran 3.63 miles with 7 intervals.

long run 6/22

2008-06-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

K. and I ran 8.35 miles in 1 hour and 28 minutes.

I love these runs with K. We listen to each other's joys and sorrows. We cry and we laugh. And man do we sweat!

In all seriousness, thank you, K., for be you.

xoxo
c--

tempo run 6/19

2008-06-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

Ran 3.1 miles in 27 minutes and 52 seconds. It certainly isn't my best time, but it is what it is.

interval run 6/18

2008-06-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

Today I ran about 4 miles with 6 intervals. I was a bit slow on the speed work, but I am trying to be kind to myself this week.

I deserve it.

(free and) easy run 6/17

2008-06-18T19:44:00.000-07:00

Ran for about 30 minutes today no gps, no music. I just ran hard and fast in the rain.

Damn it felt good.

Freeing.

why?

2008-06-16T11:43:00.001-07:00

My friend K. and I have decided to run a half marathon this fall.

13 LONG miles.

Very, very long miles.

As most of you know by know, I love running but I am not a terribly serious runner. I try and get out on a regular basis, but my weekly mileage is rather low, and I am not super fast. Yet for some unknown reason I decided to run this race.

Why?

I've been thinking a lot about why this race is important to me; about why it matters. Is it because some other, more dedicated runners I know suggested it, and I don't want to seem like a wuss? Perhaps. Is it because sometimes all I do seems silly and empty and extremely boring? More likely.

My husband has been a runner for almost 20 years. In that time he has run only one race. He never charts his weekly miles, and after any given run he has no real idea about how far he has gone or how long it took. He simply enjoys getting out there and feeling fit and free and strong.

I want to have that kind of freedom. I want the freedom to just run out the door, no GPS strapped to my wrist, no race to train for, no calories to burn off. I want to revel in the fresh air and quiet and the sound of my own footfalls.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I do enjoy the actual act of running, but I still find myself having to tie it to bigger goals and achievements.

Recently I reconnected with my freshman year suite mates from college. They have all done so well for themselves: a doctor, a PhD in history (from Stanford!), a chemist, a museum curator, and a computer whiz.

And then there is me.

Maybe I need those t-shirts and metals to prove something to myself and the world. Maybe when I talk to everyone else out there I need to feel like I have Something Interesting to add.

Maybe this 1/2 marathon will be that Something Interesting for while, at least.

easy run 6/16

2008-06-16T11:22:00.001-07:00

I ran a very slow 3 miles today. My legs are still achy from the long run on Saturday.

I am hoping to get back into the swing of things this week with an interval run, a tempo run, and another easy run before my long weekend run.

long run 6/14

2008-06-16T11:21:00.001-07:00

I ran 8.38 miles with K. today.

And it KICKED MY ASS.

My sister was here for a while, so I was behind on my running by two weeks. Trust me when I say that when you don't run for two weeks then run 8 miles you will feel like crap. But a good crap, if that makes any sense at all.

Anyway, thanks again to K. for inspiring me. Love ya lady.

long run 6/1

2008-06-01T15:59:00.001-07:00

K. and I ran 7.7 miles today in one hour and eighteen minutes. Yeah us!!! It felt great and my shin didn't hurt at all.

I probably won't run much next week as my sister will be in town visiting with my nephew, but we hope to get in many long walks together.

tempo run 5/30

2008-05-31T20:06:00.000-07:00

I ran 30 minutes today while my daughter was at piano. My leg hurt terribly from shin splints in my right leg, so I know I wasn't running at a decent pace. The pain was annoying and nagging and HOLDING ME BACK.

Shit.

I need to take care of this, rest a bit. But I long to run almost everyday lately. I need it to it clear my head and cushion my heart.

I am going to run with K. on Sunday, but I am afraid I won't make a good partner. We'll see.

interval run 5/27/08

2008-05-27T13:08:00.001-07:00

I did 6 one minute intervals today during my 4 mile run. I want to build up to doing more, but I really am not sure how many. 10?

long run 5/25/08

2008-05-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

I ran 6.6 miles with K. today and it felt great. It was a gorgeous day, and the sky was a crystal clear blue. Thanks, K., for being my running buddy and dear friend.

long run 5/23/08

2008-05-23T14:10:00.000-07:00

I ran 7 miles today in a little over an hour. It was painful for the first half of the run as I have some slight muscle soreness in my left shin/calf from not stretching properly. But I ran through it (not sure if that was wise, really) and ended having a nice run.

tempo run 5/22/08

2008-05-23T14:07:00.000-07:00

I ran another private 5k today. I completed 3.1 miles in 26 minutes and 24 seconds. Not nearly as good as last week, but ok for a training run.

interval run 5/19/08

2008-05-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

I ran about 4 miles (not entirely sure) today. If I wasn't so damn tired right now I would look up my exact distance on map my run.com. But, as you know, I am lazy, lazy, lazy.

I did 7 one minute intervals during the run.

It wasn't a great run; it was pretty windy out, and I just felt slow. But still, I got my ass out the door, and sometimes that is all that counts.

long (ish) run--5/17/08

2008-05-18T05:26:00.000-07:00

I ran 6 miles today. I took exactly an hour which isn't great time but is respectable none the less.

All in all it felt good to get out there. Hope to run again on Monday.

easy run 5/15/08/weigh in

2008-05-16T05:02:00.000-07:00

I ran an easy 3.5 or 4 miles. Not sure which as I left my gps at home. My legs were sore, sore, sore, but it still felt good to get out there. I am forcing myself to take today off. My knees and hips need a break!

Weigh in at weight watcher's sucked. I am 4 pounds over my goal weight. I know it is all my fault. I have been binging and eating mindlessly--again. I need to get back in control somehow. Any tips?

surprise 5k--5/14/08

2008-05-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

I surprised the hell out of myself today. After a long day of eating loads of crap, I decided I needed a run. I have a gps/timer which tracks my pace, distance, time, etc.

I ran a 5k (3.1 miles) in 25 minutes and 30 seconds. That beats my personal race record of 25 minutes and 45 seconds. I didn't intend to do this. I never thought I could run that sort of pace without the adrenaline of an actual race. Yet I did it.

I really did it.

interval run--5/13/08

2008-05-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

I ran 4.5 miles today, with 6, 1 minute intervals worked in. It felt good, but it is starting to get hot out.

fun run --5/11/08

2008-05-11T19:14:00.000-07:00

I wasn't planning on running today, but the beuatiful weather drew me outside. I surprised myself by running 6 miles. It took about an hour, but there was quite a bit of wind on the way out.

I needed this. I need the endorphins or serotonin or whatever it is you get when running. I felt clean afterwards, more whole.

An that is exactly what I needed after many, many days of feeling broken and sad.

easy run--5/10

2008-05-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

This should have been my day for a long run, but K. was gone and without her I have no motivation at all.

But somehow through the fog that comes with depression, allergies, and knee pain I managed a slow 4 miles.

I wanted more; maybe I can sneak in another run tomorrow.

Fat

2008-05-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

This is not the word that most people would use to describe me, yet when I look in a mirror this is all I see.

Fat.

It doesn't matter how much I run or how much weight I have lost, I still only see one thing.

Fat.

When I go to try on new clothes I still pick out items in my old size and bigger.

Fat.

When I look in the mirror I only see a sad girl with wide hips and a squishy middle.

Fat.

I can talk a good game about how excited I am that I have lost weight, about how much better I feel now, about how losing it was about health and not about image, but ultimately it doesn't change how I feel.

Fat.

I do not talk to many people about this. They just don't buy it. They see me with their kind, friendly eyes and have no idea that these feelings of ugliness and self loathing are beneath the surface. They see thin. I see. . .

Fat.

But I want this to end. I thought losing 20 pounds would help me see who I really am, yet it hasn't. I want to look in the mirror and see so many other things besides. . .

Fat.

I want to find other words to describe myself besides a loaded word like. . .

Fat.

I will continue to struggle with this, forever perhaps. But hopefully I will look in the mirror one day and see something else. See. . .

Me.

Tempo 5/06

2008-05-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

I did a tempo run today which means that I ran as hard as I could (about race pace) for about 30 minutes. I went about 3 miles, but my gps tracker died on me, so I have no idea of my exact time or my pace. Tomorrow will be a much needed day off.

interval run-5/5

2008-05-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

Today I ran 4.5 miles total with some intervals thrown in. I know a lot of runners do interval training by distance, but I do it by time: run hard and fast for 1 minute, jog lightly for 2 minutes, reapeat. Today I warmed up for about a mile then did 5 sets of intervals. I finished it off with an easy run the rest of the way home.

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I have been having horrible shoulder and neck pain today which was slightly aggravated by the run today. Hopefully some rest and Advil will help.

Long run--5/3/08

2008-05-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

Went 8 miles yesterday with K. It took us 1 hour 25 minutes which is respectable, I think. I feel the ache in my legs today, though.