This is not the word that most people would use to describe me, yet when I look in a mirror this is all I see.
Fat.
It doesn't matter how much I run or how much weight I have lost, I still only see one thing.
Fat.
When I go to try on new clothes I still pick out items in my old size and bigger.
Fat.
When I look in the mirror I only see a sad girl with wide hips and a squishy middle.
Fat.
I can talk a good game about how excited I am that I have lost weight, about how much better I feel now, about how losing it was about health and not about image, but ultimately it doesn't change how I feel.
Fat.
I do not talk to many people about this. They just don't buy it. They see me with their kind, friendly eyes and have no idea that these feelings of ugliness and self loathing are beneath the surface. They see thin. I see. . .
Fat.
But I want this to end. I thought losing 20 pounds would help me see who I really am, yet it hasn't. I want to look in the mirror and see so many other things besides. . .
Fat.
I want to find other words to describe myself besides a loaded word like. . .
Fat.
I will continue to struggle with this, forever perhaps. But hopefully I will look in the mirror one day and see something else. See. . .
Me.
Wavering
13 years ago
26 comments:
shit. i am already regretting posting this, afraid of coming of either terribly vain or that i am begging for compliments. this post is not meant to be one of those "please tell me how thin and pretty i am" statements that are annoying and disingenuous.
i guess i just wanted to get it off my chest. . .
I didn't read this as vanity or begging for compliments. I read this as I feel, as I bet many women feel - thin or fat or average. I read this as truth - truth which I was brave enough to say myself.
so thank you.
Self image and our relationship with ourself is complicated and as you said others don't see (or say) what you feel anyway...it is about how YOU feel about yourself.
I am a total work in progress myself, so all I can offer is to keep trying and to keep up your hard work.
I don't think you're fishing for compliments--I completely recognized this post as a means of unloading--unburdening.
Hugs to you...
I think that a lot of us feel this way, and if it isn't fat, then it is something else.
I am one size bigger than my smallest ever. I am 10lbs more that I was before kid #3 - this is not a ton, but it is enough that i HATE looking at picture of me, because all I see is the fat.
I hear you.
it's about self perception. it's like you KNOW you're not fat, but you still FEEL that way. and you acknowledge it and want to change it. Was it he-man who said "knowing is half the battle"? ;)
I understand. You are beautiful and this post is not vain.
I cannot say it better than inthefastlane did:
I think that a lot of us feel this way, and if it isn't fat, then it is something else.
Good for you for taking it by the horns. It's a brave thing to do. And I KNOW you were not begging for compliments -- I completely know that -- but I'm going to say it anyway. You are gorgeous. In so many ways.
I don't know you, and have only seen your pretty smiley face in your profile pic. but you are beautiful. i'm 37 and struggling with all these new parts of my body breaking down on me and my weight too. i'm fighting all these genes that want me to be a 250 pound dude, but as long as i keep trying i can feel good about that. for some, that self actualization of looking in the mirror and being happy might not happen. that doesn't mean you are heavy or ugly or what not. but like i said, from just your profile pic, you looks pretty from here.
You look FINE to me!
I'm a size 10 right now, and I struggle with feeling all right about it. So I know how you feel, reallyreallyreally.
We all carry around self-loathing of one kind or another. I think you are brave to post this--good for you. It's bad enough that we feel shame about our bodies, do we have to be ashamed of admitting it? No: the first step to feeling better is to name it.
I hate that word. I think it doesn't matter who you are, we all have issues. By looking at your pictures and reading what I have from your blog I never would have guessed this was a concern of yours. I hate that we all work so hard to achieve an impossible standard. And we all do. This was beautiful! Thanks for sharing.
While I'd use different hurtful words to describe myself, I have exactly the same impulse to lash out at myself.
Anytime Josh compliments me, I counteract it with something. He says I can't hear something positive about myself without poo-pooing it. It's true.
Why is it so hard?
I hope you no longer regret it, now that you see how many feel similarly about themselves, and how maybe, through talking and support, we can grow bigger than it. KWIM? (hugs)
I feel some of this too, remembering my body i my twenties and seeing it now begging for some exercise and regular exfoliation.
There is an awesome article called "Women Who Eat Too Much: Femininity and Food in Fried Green Tomatoes" that talks about many of these issues in a book found at this address. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did*
http://scholarworks.umass.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1000&context=umpress_fbc
I'd like to recommend a book: Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. It is widely available. I have even seen it at Costco. I think it would help a lot.
Christine, Your post absolutely struck a chord with me. I have had a similar inner monologue myself at at times. I don't know why it is so difficult sometimes to maintain a positive self image, but I'm inspired by this new blog idea and hope that following your journey helps me too!
Don't regret it. I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. It's good to let the feelings out sometimes.
love you, brave you.
I have attempted responding to this post several times. It's difficult for me. I am overweight. I used to be just a little out of shape, or "slightly overweight" as I liked to say, but it's official now. I hate myself for failing to control it but what I hate even more is the way it consumes my life. The way this simple thing like the size I wear, the way I perceive myself, and even more so the way I think others perceive me robs me of my joy. Keeps me from enjoying my life the way I could be. And not because of physical limitations. Because of the mental limitations I have allowed this body to put on me. Like a prison.
I get this. We all do to some extent I think. And what I wish for you most is not to see yourself fat, or thin, but to find happiness that doesn't center around your body. A happy balance. It's what I wish for me. For all of us.
HUGS Christine.
Thank you for being brave enough to post this.
Christine. You needn't worry. It was honest and brave of you to post it. Amazing, really.
One of the sessions I attended at BlogHer last year, one of the few that I actually really enjoyed, was a panel of bloggers who blog about their weight. One woman in the audience talked about the word "fat" and how loaded it was.
She said that she intentionally refers to herself as fat and when her friends say, "Oh, you're not fat," she reminds them, "Yes, I am fat. When you say I'm fat, what you mean is I'm not lazy. I'm not unhygienic. I'm not laissez faire about my appearance. All those terms that get lumped in with fat. No, I'm not any of those things. What I am, is fat." She says that usually her friends agree with her once she's made that clarification.
I think it's so true that there are all of these things that make the word fat loaded. And I think the thing that's so great about this post is that one of the things about fat is that we feel it even when we're not overweight. Because of everything it's tied up in.
This was a brave post and a brave blog, Christine. I look forward to more.
This is a very good post. I also feel fat like today, but look at me and anyone would argue with me.
It is perception. When I feel down I feel fat. When I feel happy I don't feel fat.
I liked this post very much
me too, friend. me, too. thanks for writing what's in my head.
There are eight women on the planet who don't feel this way.
You are only thin in retrospect. Do you remember me telling you that? I thought of this saying one day as I sat looking through old photographs of myself. I was actually admiring a picture of me from college - thinking how great I used to look - when it dawned on me that at that time, I felt ugly and overweight. I began to notice a pattern of self-loathing: I would hate me in the present and like me in the past. Well, that just didn't seem fair! Why didn't I get to like me now?
Unfortunately, I don't know what the answer is to loving yourself in the present. One day, I just felt strong enough to give it a whirl. And you know what? It felt really good. I take it one day at a time, now. Just doing the best I can!
I love you lots, Christine, and I hope you know I will ALWAYS be your cheerleader. I hope that someday you will run in celebration of your body! And that someday, when you are ready, you will see your TRUE reflection in the mirror - Christine! A beautiful person inside and out.
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